“In His Dreams”
“NO! Please, stop it…” He bolted up right in bed. No one,
no one was there. It was dark, and his room was empty. He’d had another
nightmare. Would they ever cease? His past
was and is his past, so why did some things still haunt him? Argh?!
He threw his covers off
and got up. He stretched a bit, with arms-over-head and continued to head to
the bathroom. He turned on the water, icy cold he splashed it one his face,
bushing his hair out of the way, he took a good look at himself. He saw
something he hadn’t seen in quite some time. He saw fear. And when fear is
evident, there’s a breaking point coming as well. He couldn’t place this fear
though. Was he afraid of his dreams, or of what they could mean? What could
they mean? What possible thing is there to be afraid of anymore? He didn’t
know, and did he want to know? He shook his head and cleared his
thoughts. He’d have to let it go for now. He was going back to the circus tomorrow
and he was going to see a friend and his sister along with the rest of the
troupe.
He wet and dried his face
one more time with a last glance at his eyes… ‘When had they become so
revealing?’ He shook it off again, he had to let it go for now. He walked
out of the bathroom and back towards his bed.
As he walked by his
window he stopped to look out it. The moon, so very real, here on earth, was
bright…bright and beautiful. Not a graveyard as it looked from the nearer
colonies, but a bright sphere in the onyx sky. It was truly a glamorous sight.
It’s silvery glow around it made it seem heavenly: if only it were so. For some
it was a graveyard, and he pitied them. His mind stopped for a moment,
then pondered: pitied or empathized? He didn’t know. Again, he didn’t need to
think about this. Tomorrow was going to be a good day. He glanced at the clock.
Or rather, today would be a good day.
X X X X X X X X X X X
His act was just about to
end. His twirls and flips ended and he landed perfectly graceful in the middle
of the ring. The audience clapped and
roared for him, cheers echoing throughout the tent and he bowed for them. Some
referred to them as his “fans” he just looked at them as civilians looking for
a getaway and a good time. He provided them with that good time.
He looked over the
audience as he stood up from his bow. They were happy, so he was doing his job.
He continued along till he got to the center of the left half. There she was.
Her hair was waving along madly as she jumped once and clapped excitedly. A
small smile crossed his lips. Yes, he was indeed doing his job.
He turned quickly and
walked back behind the curtains. He stopped as his sister came up to him and
gave him a hug, tender, yet firm. She could always make the two fit.
“You were wonderful
Trowa. You bring so much joy to us and them” she gestured out to the audience.
“I’m very, oh so very proud of you brother. You’ve changed so much since war
times” All this was whispered in his ear as she hugged him from atop her toes.
As they let go he nodded his thanks. She would never know how much those words
mean to him.
“I will see you later
Catherine. I’m going to go change. My friend will be back here soon.” Catherine
nodded, her warm smile comforting. Trowa turned to go on his way.
He rounded the corner to
his trailer, looking down at his half clown’s mask. He was about five feet away
from his door when he noticed someone was already there waiting for him. ‘She
sure does move quickly’ She stood there, back against the door, face cast
downward, and arms crossed over her chest. Her golden hair had fallen slightly
into her face, with an expression so peaceful. If he were anyone else, he
would’ve sworn she was asleep, but he knew her better than that.
Just as he was about to
say something she lifted her head and looked at him, eyes locked instantly with
his. He faltered slightly, just slightly, but enough for her to get the first
word. “Your performance was great Trowa. I commend you skill. That has to have
been your best so far.” She advanced towards him. “It’s good to see you again
Trowa, I’ve missed you.” With that she embraced him gently, not unlike his
sister had. He returned the gesture.
“And I you ‘Lena. It’s
been a while. I’m glad you enjoyed the show.” The hug ended and they pulled
apart, both with their own smile in place, but in any case, sincere.
Relena’s manner changed
then into one of a child all most. “Oh I did, very much too! You were great!”
Trowa chuckled at her change. He would almost say it was “cute”, had she not
been 22.
“I’m glad to hear it. I’m
going to change, your welcome inside, then we’ll head out.” Relena nodded,
knowing full well that her right as a friend was unlimited access to his candy
and drinks.
They entered his trailer
and she went straight to the fridge as he went to his room. She got her Dr.
Pepper® but she couldn’t for the life of her find his candy. What was going on,
Trowa always had candy! She sat impatiently in one of his chairs as he
changed.
When the door finally
opened from Trowa’s room, she bolted up from the chair, to standing right in
front of him. She fixed him with a very stern stare. At first Trowa didn’t know
what to think. What did she want, but the minute she spoke, he had a light of
amusement in his eyes.
“Candy?” Right then. Yep,
she knew it right then. Trowa was up to something.
He walked over to his
table. It was placed in the middle of his chair and couch. He sat on the couch
and gestured for her to sit with him.
She did as told.
“So, you’ve looked
everywhere?” She nodded, uncertainly. “Are you sure?” She looked grudgingly at
him. He was playing games with her!
“Damn it Trowa, just tell
me where it is!” With that he out right laughed. Not hard, but enough to shock
her. It was rare for him to do such a thing. The most he would do is chuckle a
bit. “Oh, come on Trowa, this is so not nice!”
“Alright, alright. Check
under the table.” She did so, “Do you feel anything?” She moved her hand around
a bit, but she eventually came across something that felt like a switch. She
looked questioningly at him and he nodded, his amusement replaced. She flicked
the switch and out from the very center of the table rose a bowl full of
various types of candy. She almost squealed. She grabbed a handful and put it
in her pocket then grabbed a small bag of jelly bellies from the side and
opened them. They both left the trailer content with themselves.
X X X X X X X X X X X
Their day together was
fun and very pleasant. They had gone out to a movie, then to eat, and finally
for a walk. When they returned to the trailer they both plopped down on the
couch.
“Hey Trowa how about
another movie for a last event for the evening”
He nodded his approval.
“Which movie?” He went to the movie stand and opened the door for her to see
what the choices were. As she ran across the choices she picked out which ones
were possibilities. After choosing one, the popcorn was made and then the
lights turned out. Trowa retrieved a blanket from his room for them to use, and
then Relena to use when she slept (on the couch). The both got under the
blanket and the movie started.
About half way through
Trowa nodded off to sleep, Relena staying awake, intending to actually finish
it.
X X X X X X X X X X X
*~*
“Stop this, it’s not
gonna help!”
“Nananshi, you’re just a
boy you wouldn’t know. How could you possibly know what’s right, wrong,
helpful, or hurtful?”
“I don’t but I know
beating her won’t do anything, so why. Why! Why hurt her!!!” A younger image of
Trowa screamed, tears streaming hot rivers down his cheeks. Why did this man,
presumed to be his father/guardian hurt her, this boy’s mother figure, why did
the man hurt the boy? The boy didn’t know…how could he, he was only a boy?
The man raised his hand
again and hit the woman he held tightly by the arms. His hand made a loud
‘slap’ as it made contact with her cheek. He pushed her away, but no, he was
not done with her yet. The woman hit
the wall with a thump and fell to her knees, where he felt she belonged: “On
her knees, where every woman belongs” the woman practically twitched and shook
with fear. The boy couldn’t take it anymore. He ran in front of her, arms
straight out to his sides.
“No more! She didn’t do
anything!”
“Why you little,
ungrateful, bastard! You want this instead then fine, Nananshi, you’ll have
your turn: after her!” He pushed the boy to the floor and grabbed the delirious
woman sobbing on the floor. She knew something was wrong, but couldn’t place
what it was. What did he mean “After her”?
She found out soon enough.
He grabbed her and picked
her up. “Listen to me woman! You are mine, and mine alone. Now you will act
like the wife you were intended to be!” He pulled her closer and bit her neck
so bits of blood came out, and then traveled down to her shoulder drawing bits
more. She whimpered under the pain, but she was too weak to defend herself now.
More specifically, it was to late. He tore off her clothes from the waist down
and touched her in ways no women deserves, or even man.
Nananshi crawled into the
corner trying to pick himself up. When he turned around he knew he was too
late. The woman lay on her stomach, eyes open and vacant, body vulnerable and
soiled. She had a white gel like liquid on her back and downward, even on the floor.
There was another liquid on her though. It was red. It was blood, and it
dripped from her neck and spilled on the floor. The boy screamed bloody murder
as the man’s previous words replayed in his mind. He was next. He grabbed the
closest object to him, a dagger, and held it out towards the man as he advanced
towards the boy.
“Stay away!” The boy ran
to the middle of the room and again held out the dagger. He didn’t know what he
was going to do, but he had to stop this man.
“What’s wrong boy, lost your
nerve?” The man chuckled, in what Nananshi thought was the most evil manner he
had ever heard.
“No. No! NO!” The boy
didn’t even hear the words leave his mouth. He blindly went forward, running
towards his enemy…his first enemy. The next thing he knew, the dagger was in
the man’s abdomen, and the man on the floor, dead.
*~*
“Trowa!” Relena yelled
urgently to the man next to her. “Please wake up!”
“AHHH, please no! Leave
me al…” Trowa woke up. He woke up terrified and screaming. Relena sat back
startled for the briefest second then was immediately holding him, rocking him
back and forth gently, using soothing words to calm him down. ‘What’s wrong,
you’re shaking…what did you see Trowa?’
“Trowa, it’s okay now,
please, calm down and tell me what you saw?” Trowa forced his shakes to stop
and his breathing to regulate.
“Do you really want to
know?” He looked at her, eyes searching. Could he confide in her his
nightmares. Could he burden her with his nightmares? He didn’t have a choice;
he needed to get this out before he died in his sleep of horror.
“Please Trowa, tell me, I can be your confidant, just tell me what you
need and I’ll become it. Just, you must, you have to tell me!” Relena was on
the border of tears. Her closest friend was suffering, how could she have
known, and how could she not have?
//Come and step
inside and you’ll realize/tell me what you need, tell me what to be/Watch the
visions you’ll see/what do you expect of me/I can’t live a lie//
“You want me to let you
in?” She nodded, he sounded so…she didn’t know, but it was very unlike him,
then again, he had been unlike himself all day. “Alright, but I’m sorry if you
see what I see when I describe it, I don’t want you to be hurt. I don’t want
you to relive my past as I do.”
“I don’t expect anything
from you, and I’m sure it goes both ways, just say everything you need to get
out.” She was so calm, so…sincere.
And then he started. “My
whole life has been a lie from as far as I remember…I do not remember my real
parents” he paused. ‘And this is where the story begins, I’m sorry Relena’
“I do remember a pair of guardians though; an abusive man, and a sick helpless
woman. Neither of them knew my name, and I couldn’t remember, so he
decided to just not give me one, so they called me “Nananshi”” Relena thought
about this.
“No name, right?” Trowa
nodded
“I was young, so
very young… maybe six or so? I can’t remember. The man was always yelling at
us, me and the woman. ‘Be a good son and do this’ and ‘Be the wife your
supposed to be and go there’ The first time he said that to me, I thought he
was accepting me as his son, but then a minute later a string a degrading words
came right after. He always used them “Little, ungrateful, bastard” He always
made me feel like nothing. Well one day I decided to not be nothing” he paused
again.
//Cry, a sick mom, with a fucked dad, dealing with your
life, dead bodies every where/ You really want me to be a good son, then why
you make me feel like no one?//
“But from the first time he said them all I wanted was the
lies to go away, though I knew, even at that age, that they would grow, not
decrease. With every day that went by, I could stop the pain a bit more, and I
would defy him a little bit more as well… Well, one night, he had started on
the woman again, but this time I stood up for her. I didn’t let him take
control this time. This time would be different, and it was…it was worse.”
//Let me strip the plain/Let me not give in/Free me of
your lies, inside my heart dies/Your dreams had never had changed/Don’t lay
that shit on me/Let me live my life//
“He had hit here again, and I had tried to dissuade him,
to get him to leave her alone. It didn’t work. He yelled at me more then went
after her again. He had hit her so hard, though, that she had become dizzy and
confused. He made her go to her knees and I knew what would happen next, and I
tried again, I stood in front of her and tried to hold my ground, but his
dreams of raping his wife won out again, and I was just pushed near the corner,
to busy looking for escape or defense to see what happened. When I looked back,
I found out, and what I did next made me loose my feeling...my sense of
emotions.”
Relena was crying, he could tell, but he was looking into
the past, trying to get rid of it, and she was the one to hold the memory for
him now.
//Cry, a sick mom, with a fucked dad, dealing with your
life, dead bodies every where/ You really want me to be a good son, then why
you make me feel like no one?//
He came over to me, since
just before he finished her off, he had said “Why you little, ungrateful,
bastard! You want this instead then fine, Nananshi, you’ll have your turn:
after her!” I knew I was going to receive a punishment, and I knew what it
would be, so I grabbed the closest weapon, a dagger, and when he came to me I
ran, but stayed, and when he came after me again…I killed him…I don’t remember
how, or how long it took, but I remember how it looked when I came to, and what
I would give to forget. The dagger was in his abdomen, deep in there. What I did
after is a blur. I have no idea. I guess life just went on, in a way. All I
wanted after that was to forget and be something, but I never
forgot the woman, and I never forgot the man… and I never forgot, ever,
the bodies. After that, I never forgot any of the bodies that I caused
to fall down dead” Trowa was crying again, and Relena held him close. She never
knew…
//You want me to be, something I can never ever be/ You
want me to be, something I can never ever be/ A sick mom, with a fucked dad,
dealing with your life, dead bodies everywhere. / You really want me to be a
good son, then why you make me feel like no one? //
“I’m so sorry Trowa. I
never knew. I wish I could take it all away. Trowa, you don’t have to be
anything. And you don’t have to carry that memory anymore. Forget it Trowa, or
at least just ignore them” she thought about what she said and rephrased it. “
I know you can’t ignore them, but just remember, I’m here, and I can share your
pain, as long as your willing…I’ll always be here for you” her words died down
and she just held him close.
She had listened, and she
didn’t curse him for his deeds, did not curse him for killing that man, and she
didn’t curse him for all the other dead bodies he caused. He felt safe...for
once, he felt safe.
//Dead bodies everywhere //
//Dead bodies everywhere //
//Dead bodies everywhere //
//Dead bodies everywhere //
//Dead bodies everywhere //
//Dead bodies everywhere //
//Dead bodies everywhere //
//Dead bodies everywhere //
X X X X X X X X X X X
NA: Well, tell me what you think, either by email or
review: ladygundam1303@aol.com