My Soul to Keep
By Amber



Trowa frowned, moving deeper into the shadows of the room. He had heard the whimpers start an hour ago, and became concerned when they didn't abate. He made to go to her, but each time it appeared she would wake, he drew back. Living by ones emotions was not what it’s cracked up to be. He sighed. Soundlessly drawn against his better judgment, he moved to the bed and sat on the side. With a finger, he gently moved strands of her hair back from her face. She seemed peaceful at the moment. He could probably go to his room, after all, she had made it more than clear she didn't want or need anyone. So what was he going to do? He turned his head, watching the sheers flutter in the breeze. He would stay for as long as she let him, anyway.

Relena shifted anxiously. It was starting again. Mentally cringing, she tried to wake herself. Anything but this, God, please not again. Please don't make me watch him die again. God wasn't in an accommodating mood this night. With a sense of dread, she watched her nightmare happen all over again, this time in living color.

The mist rolled across the ground and Relena noticed, with a sense of detachment, how it danced and swirled around her gown as she moved forward. For a split second, she wondered where she was going, then the thought was lost as her sense of urgency grew. This was different. It was deviating. She was standing at the reception. Turning, her eyes slowly went around the room, watching the death and devastation. This was her worst nightmare. There was no one alive. The smoke, the smell of blood…they were all there, dead. This was her worse nightmare come true, the very thing she was afraid would happen eventually. They would all die because of her, and she would be left alone. Lifting her hands, they were covered in blood. Whimpering, she turned, looking for Heero among the wreckage, but he wasn't there. Turning around and around, she screamed out for him, when, suddenly, he was standing before her.

Now she thought this would follow like all the other dreams. Heero held his hand out, reaching for her. His lips moved, but she couldn't hear him. Shoving her hands behind her back, she ducked her head and shook. No more, no more. Now, now he'll fade like he always does, leaving me alone. Lifting her head, she stared through tear filled eyes. "Heero."

"I'm here."

She blinked, "I don't understand, am I dreaming?" He smiled. Relena shook her head. "Now I know I'm dreaming." She lifted a trembling hand toward him, then faltered, hovering midway. Between them, he took her hand and placed it on his chest. “Heero,” she whispered, causing a fresh new trail of tears to escape.

He shook his head ruefully. "I never saw a woman cry as much as you. I had forgotten."

"O, Heero, I'm so-"

He shook his head, placing a finger across her lips. "I love you, Relena. I'll always love you, but I can't stay."

"No, don't leave me. I can't go on without you."

He stared at her sadly. "Yes, you can. You've always been stronger than this. Already, you’re healing, you’re moving on, and you love me too much to make my last gift to you a useless one." He lifted her chin making her stare him in the eyes. "Live for me, for us live, for those that love you as I do." He turned her and looked in the distance. Swiping her eyes with a hand that trembled, she looked to where he gestured. There sat Trowa. Curiously, she watched herself toss and turn in the bed before she saw Trowa shift against the headboard and pull her against his chest. Gradually her crying stilled as his hand softly threaded through strands of her hair.

She turned away. "No."

Heero shrugged, "That is up to you, but he loves you and you." He cupped her cheek, "Care more than just a little for him. Already, he'll take care of you and keep you safe, where as I can't any longer." She shook her head. He turned her. His hands lifted and cupped her face. "You didn't kill me, I made my own choices. It’s time for you to stop hiding." His thumbs brushed away the tears, "Refusing to see it won't change anything. You’re no more blind than I am. I told you once my soul was yours. Let it go now. My love is always and forever yours. But for now our paths must part. Just for a little while." He brushed his lips across one eyelid then the other. "Live your life to the fullest. That's the greatest gift you can give me." Relena lifted her arms and clasped them tightly around his neck, trying to hold him there with her. "Goodbye Relena .."

"No, Heero just a little longer.. Please."

"Relena, I'll always love you."

She pulled away to find herself holding air. "Nooo, Heero, wait."

Relena jerked up panting. She flinched when she felt something softly brush the back of her hair. Swinging around, her eyes met Trowa's in the dim light of the room. Hesitating a moment, she finally leaned forward, burying her face in his chest and cried. Gradually her crying subsided, and she lay there against his chest listening to the comforting rhythm of his heart. "He's gone,” she murmured, “I'm alone again."

"No, you’re not. I'm here."

She shook her head, rubbing her cheek against the soft cotton of his shirt. "No, you'll leave me, too. In the end, they all leave me."

He resumed stroking her hair. "So you’re not going take a chance? That isn't like you. You're always so full of hope," he murmured.

"It’s not, I am?"

She sounded bewildered Trowa thought, like a lost child needing reassurance. "No you're stronger than this."

Her hand clenched in his shirt. "Maybe I'm tired of being always strong." She pulled away enough to look up into his eyes. "I don't know how to do it anymore."

He leaned down to kiss her forehead, when she shifted. He brushed her mouth instead. It was hard to tell who was more surprised. Relena found it didn't hurt quite as much as she thought it would. There was a bittersweet feeling, but also one of comfort, like a fire in the fireplace on a fall day, hot chocolate on a cold winter's night or being enfolded in a beloved blanket watching the rain fall outside your window.

Trowa searched her face intently, watching the emotions flicker back and forth. "You don't want this," he said flatly.

Her mouth quirked slightly before she leaned in again, pausing long enough for him to realize her intent. She lifted a shaky hand to brush back his bangs watching his eyes widen. "You can see."

"Some things better than others," she whispered enigmatically, before her lips kissed his entreatingly. Pulling back she waited until his eyes met hers and held. There was an odd light there.

"You will regret this."

She tilted her head. "Will you?" she asked inaudibly suddenly feeling on shaky ground.

"Only if you do," he said in a level voice. Leaning in, she covered his mouth, sealing their pact with a kiss. She pulled slightly away, her breathing loud and fast and waited slowly. His eyelids fluttered and opened. She bit her lip, shivering at the hunger and something too complex for words, a need for reassurance, a wistfulness. Her face softened and the look in her eyes shifted subtly, becoming languid, dreamy. Murmuring nonsense, she shifted. Both hands came up to trace his face. Closing his eyes, he felt full, overwhelmed. His chest hurt so much from feeling so many things at once. He was loosing that ability to analyze it because her hands, they felt so delicate and soft, drifting over his face, his lips, before slipping through silky hair. He felt her palm cup his cheek and hold him before sliding on. It was almost like she was memorizing him through her hands.

Dazedly, he realized her thumb was stroking feather light over the soft lines of his forehead, temple and cheek, and even over one eyelid. Relena smiled when she watched his lashes flutter. They were long and thick. Eye lashes like that on a man should be outlawed. She lightly brushed her thumb across them. She shivered. It felt soft and intimate against the pad of her thumb. Taking his hand, she lifted it to her face. Tilting her head sideways, she paused, absorbing the feel of his palm against her cheek. Retracing her earlier actions with his hand her eyes fluttered and closed. She lost herself to the sensation. Releasing a breathy sigh, she turned to nestle her lips in the center of his palm, nuzzling there softly before forcing lids that seemed incredibly heavy to lift and focus once more. She blushed at the intensity of his gaze. She felt the muscles along his length tremble and flex, his whole body responding to the intimate touch of her own. He shifted without thought, tightening his hold upon her, drawing her in closer towards the shivering aching planes of his body. He rolled them until both were enveloped in a curtain of silky gold hair. Her satiny flesh beneath his hands inflamed him. Hypnotically, he slid his hand under her shirt, stroking her skin with an intense absorption, moving higher along the tender curve of her spine until he reached her shoulders. Cupping them both, he pulled her close; his whispered words stirred her hair and lashes, setting off another round of trembling.

"One last chance," his voice trailed off in uncertainty…

He watched her closely, trying to see into her very soul, past the look of innocent affection and needy longing. It wasn't love in the degree he needed, but she was well on her way and, for now, that was enough. He had a chance and, one day, he would have it all. Convinced, gradually the lines of tension and worry slowly dissipated as a slow half smile curved his lips. Watching eyes of midnight blue draw closer and closer, his whole world narrowed into savoring the emotion he saw within those eyes.

He leaned against the terrace doors, watching the gradual lightening of the sky, the swirl of grays, bronze and reds gradually shifting into a hint of gold. The sun would be up soon. He shifted until his eyes could also see the slender figure sleeping so peacefully. A rueful smile crossed his face about the intelligence of leaving the warmth and comfort she offered to brood at the dawn. Still, there was that tiny niggling doubt that the peace and love he found within her arms was all about to come crashing down around his head when she woke. He wasn't a coward, but the temptation to slip away before she could break his heart was strong. All his doubts, coupled with every word of caution Catherine and Quatre uttered, replayed in slow motion since he woke earlier. Pushing off the door jam, he moved trance like toward the bed, his choice made long ago. It wasn't the time for doubts at this stage. Staring down, his eyes softly caressed her slender form clearly outlined under the silken sheet. He closed his eyes and swallowed against a sudden tightness in his throat as he relived the hours in her arms. Opening his eyes, he unbuttoned his jeans and let them drop to the floor. No, he made his choice and God help him, he couldn't find it in him to regret it. Pulling back the sheet, he joined her. Almost like a prearranged signal, she rolled over, reaching out for him. He, in turn, pulled her against his chest. Turning his head, he drew in the sweet smell of her hair before willing his mind to blank and returned to the realm of half wishes and dreams.


Relena gradually swum up through the depths of cotton wrapped around a mind still thick with sleep, too drowsy and sated to understand why this morning felt so different, why waking was such a effort. She stretched a little, eyes slowly fluttered then opened to slits before widening at the smooth muscular chest that filled her sight. Slowly shifting out from under his arm, she slid to the side of the bed. Clasping the sheet to her chest, she searched inward for regret or shame. No, there was a bittersweet feel. Maybe it was in part the weird dream and Heero's blessing, or maybe it was simply Trowa's persistence that wormed his way into her heart. Relena absently rubbed her temple. Whatever the reason, she decided she was tired of analyzing everything. It was giving her a headache. She just wanted to enjoy this newfound feeling while it lasted. Moving from the bed, she walked to the balcony and let the suns golden rays warm her before her gaze rose to take in the glory of the sun lifting into the sky for the first time in almost a year. Glancing over her shoulder, she watched Trowa sleep, his face curiously innocent in repose. For some reason, she wanted this moment to last just a little longer before his mask descended once more. Relena sighed before moving to the chair and shrugged into her robe. It was still early. Maybe she could make it to the kitchen and bring them some breakfast without anyone noticing.


Relena quietly nudged the door open. She had already been gone longer than she would have liked, but once Quatre's servants found out they could do something for you, it almost took a army in itself to get them to let you go with only what " you" felt you needed. She looked down at the breakfast tray and smiled. They prepared enough for three people. She kept studying their faces intently to see if they knew something about her unexpected guest, but if they knew, she couldn't tell. She nudged the door closed with her foot and turned, expecting him to be asleep. She paused disconcerted, "O,you're awake."

He was standing by the chair she usually sat in to sketch, silent and dressed. There was something in the room that made her uneasy. She moved into the room, sitting the tray on the table. Turning slowly, she fiddled with the tie on her robe, stalling. She was no good with these things, and for the first time, she wished herself a normal girl with more experience behind her to ease both of their awkwardness.

"Trowa," she whispered slowly, moving around him until she faced him. Relena frowned. He appeared to have been in the process of getting dressed. He stood there, his shirt half buttoned, looking down. He wouldn't meet her eyes. She bit her lip, "What's wrong?" At his continued silence, she shook her head and turned. Moving toward the balcony, she pushed the door open and stared blindly out. "I should have known. Give me political intrigue and I'm fine, the do's and don'ts of relationships, and I'm lost." She sensed his movement before she felt him wrap his arms around her and pull her back against him.

Trowa closed his eyes. Laying his cheek against top of her head, he confessed. "I thought you were gone."

Relena smiled timidly, relaxing tensed muscles. "I thought I'd get us breakfast before anyone was stirring but, as with all things with Quatre's help," her hand waved around for a description, then just settled that he would understand, "it became more involved."

Trowa turned her until she was facing him. Tilting her face up with his knuckle, he stared at her solemnly. Whatever he saw must have reassured him, but Relena realized wherever they went from here, they still had long way to go. As long as they had known of one another, it wasn't going to be enough. They needed to get to know each other. Her hand rose to cup his face. "I always seem to get involved with someone backwards the deep end first." She dropped her hand to fiddle with the buttons on his shirt. "I want to do this right."

"There is no wrong or right."

"I know, but this is too important, isn't it?" She searched his face intently for understanding.

He smiled, "You want a courtship."

She smiled wryly; "Well, I wouldn't want you to think I'm easy."

Trowa's mouth quirked in a half smile and he replied dryly, "I would never associate you with easy."

She frowned thoughtfully, "I suppose you’re right."

He cupped her face lightly, brushing his lips against hers. "That's all right. I'm not sure I would know how to react with simple anyway."