My Soul to Keep
By Amber


"All right, Ms. Darlian, I'm removing the bandages. I'd like for you to keep your eyes closed until I say open them. We're going to gradually increase the light level. I want you to tell me as soon as see anything. All right, open your eyes. There should be some tearing, that's natural, it's nothing to become alarmed at." The doctor nodded at the nurse as she steadily increased the light level in the room. The doctor and the nurse exchanged looks as they waited. "Ms. Darlian anything?"

"No, nothing." He took out a penlight flicking it back and forth across first one eye and then the other.

"So I'm blind?" she asked indifferently. He leaned back against his desk. Motioning his head, the nurse nodded and left the room.

"Technically, Ms. Darlian, your eyes have healed nicely. There is still some redness and a bit of swelling, but there is no medical reason I can see why you shouldn't have your sight. Or at least be seeing shapes and shadows."

Relena's mouth quirked derisively, "So you’re saying I'm not blind, but crazy?"

He sighed, "Not at all. You went through a terrible ordeal. Our psyche has many ways of dealing with trauma that the medical field even in this age can't explain. I suggest you take some time and rest. Allow your body and mind to heal and, if I may suggest, a therapist to help you deal with your grief. Bottling it up inside isn't healthy."

"Ahh." Relena pushed herself up from the chair and nodded. "I'll think about it."

He watched her face thoughtfully, then nodded. He had put it out there in the open, the rest she would have to do herself. "In the mean time," he stood and walked around his desk, "let’s give your eyes a while longer to heal." He pulled out some sunglasses. Coming back around, he took her hand and placed them within. "Let’s schedule to get you back in here for another check up in two weeks."

Relena put the glasses on and nodded, "Of course. Call my secretary and schedule the appointment."


1 Month later


Zechs disconnected the phone and just sat there staring into space. He never heard the door open and close silently until small hands slipped around his neck from behind, hugging him gently. "What's wrong?"

His hand rose, clasping her arms. "She didn't go again. That was the doctor's office, she never showed. We're loosing her." His head fell back against the back of the chair. "Hell, she's already gone," he finished on a sigh.

Lucrezia laid her face against his. "No, I don't believe that the girl who never gave up on anyone or thing is still in there. It's not even been a month, Zechs. She's hurting and wounded, but she will heal. I believe that because the alternative isn't acceptable."

"I tried to get the doctor to tell me about her eyes. He refused. Once she regained consciousness, patient doctor confidentiality entered the picture," he said conversationally.

Lucrezia sighed, "You make things so difficult for yourself. Did you just ask her?"

He took her hand and pulled her around into his lap. "Of course I asked. And then Catherine, and Hilde, I think, even Sally gave it a shot. Finally they pulled out the big guns and sent in Duo. He got more than they did, true, but not much more. She told him they said her eyes need a bit more rest."

She cupped his face with her hand. "Well there you are."

"That's when Duo hacked into the doctor's computer."

"Zechs!"

"What? I didn't tell him to."

She frowned, "Well?"

"Well what?"

"What did he find?"

"Medically, there is no reason she can't see. They feel it's some sort of hysterical blindness and urged her to seek counseling. We can't even get her in there for a check up, much less talk about Heero's death."

Lucezia laid her head on his shoulder. "Maybe the dinner tonight with everyone will help."

He lifted her hand and brushed his lips across her knuckles. "I hope you’re right," he murmured doubtfully.



Relena sat in the chair. Cooling air around her told her the sun had gone down long ago. The sounds of the night only confirmed it. Thoughtfully she supposed she should feel a lot more devastated about her sight than she did, but when you've lost the man you love, somehow it seemed more like penance. Distantly she considered going down for dinner. She had selfishly worried everyone enough lately. They would be arriving by now, she imagined. Being at the back of the house overlooking the garden insured her quiet and solitude so she wouldn't be disturbed by anyone coming and going. Then hard on the heels of that thought came the realization that she made an easy target sitting out here on the balcony. She shrugged. O well, at the moment that didn't seem like such a loss, really. She just didn't have the energy to bother. Relena tilted her head back and closed her eyes, “O, Heero, I can't do this without you. At least before, I had the knowledge if you weren't with me, you were still out there somewhere. To never see you or feel you again…” tears slid silently down her face, "I don't want to be a part of a world without you," she whispered. "What I would give to see your eyes one more time."

The doors swung open and everyone looked around expectantly. Zechs slumped, then quirking his eyebrow inquiringly, "Well?"

Pagan bowed, "The maid knocked, sir, but got no answer. I instructed her to enter. Ms. Relena is sitting on the balcony."

He nodded, "Very well, you may start serving. Apparently she won’t be joining us. Please make sure someone takes my sister a tray."

He bowed again, "Very good, sir."

Wufei slapped the table, "What nonsense! Doesn't the woman know she has people worried about her?" They all turned and stared at him incredulous. "What?" He glared at them, daring them to comment before crossing his arms. He turned his head. "This brings no honor to Heero's memory. He would want her to be strong."

Duo's lips quirked, "Wu-man, keep that up, bud, and people will think you care."

Wufei leaned forward, rubbing his thumb across the dinner knife. "Baka, do not call me Wu-man."

Sally touched his arm to calm him. "She knows, Wufei. Sometimes when we loose those close to us, normalcy feels like a betrayal and moving on…” she eyed him intently, “seems like forgetting them."

Quatre bit his lip hesitantly, "What did the doctor's examination reveal?"

Lucrezia shrugged, "She didn't go."

Hilde searched the faces worriedly. "Maybe it's simply too soon, maybe we're expecting too much from her."

"No,” Duo murmured, “there's something not right here."

Wufei frowned, "Of course not. Some psycho blew up a ballroom full of people and killed our friend."

"No, I see what Duo means." Catherine frowned, thoughtfully tapping her finger against her glass while she put her thoughts into words. "Each time one of us talks to Relena about our concerns, she takes a different tact, one specifically geared to work for that person. So she's still in there, she's not crazy with grief. Trowa, what …" Catherine frowned and searched the room. "Where's Trowa?"

Zechs gestured toward the door. "He left shortly after Lu told everyone about Relena missing her doctor appointment."





author note: Yes in this story Heero is deceased Sorry I don't always kill him trust me Heero is my favorite character and 1xR my favorite pairing but this time I felt challenged to write something a tad different