My Soul to Keep
By Amber


He caught the servant going up the stairs and took the tray from her. Tapping on the door, he waited for acknowledgement, then realized she wasn't going to answer. Opening the door, he quickly scanned the room that was her sanctuary. No, it was an escape from reality now.

He looked around the room with interest once he realized she wasn't within. Done in blues and greens, it was soothing. A servant must have turned a lamp on near the bed because it looked inviting, urging one to draw near. The occasional stirring of the curtains by the evening breeze just added to the calming effect. On the walls were several watercolors, as well as seascapes. Placed in the center of a huge bed was, from what he could see, the one lone hold out from childhood into woman…a small brown bear looking somewhat forlorn, lost amongst the vastness of the bed. Trowa smiled sadly, not hard to guess her fascination with the seascapes. Everyone knew that was where Relena first met Heero. He fell from the sky and washed ashore on the beach. But the bear eluded him. Maybe it was a gift from her adopted parents. He sighed as he nudged the door closed. Who was he to tell someone how to live their life? He didn't have the answers, either. He just took one day at a time, but somehow one of them had to reach her. He'd listen and watch, after all, that was what he was good at then. Then, he could better understand what was needed. He moved further into the room.

There was another door partially closed. He supposed it was the bathroom. It seemed empty as well. He headed toward the balcony, pausing briefly; he sat the dinner tray down on a desk before pausing in the doorway. He watched her through the curtain, head tilted back, face serene. No one would guess her world had been torn apart yet again. Pushing aside the curtain, he joined her on the balcony, leaning against the rail. He watched her body gradually tense and her eyes slide open. Pushing his hands in his pockets, he studied changes that were subtle, only to those who knew her well.

"We missed you at dinner," he offered quietly.

"Trowa," she murmured. Then gradually relaxed back into her chair. "I'm sorry, I just didn't seem to have the energy tonight to reassure everyone."

He tilted his head thoughtfully, "Is it about reassuring them? Just being with them would probably suffice. No one expects a performance."

She still stared silently into the night, so he tried another tact. "How was your doctor's appointment?"

Relena didn't smile, but she sounded amused in spite of herself. "Aahh, well as you already know, I didn't go Trowa."

"Why?"

She shrugged delicately, "Succinct and to the point, as always. I'll reciprocate. What's the point?"

Trowa narrowed his eyes, "A great many of us care. But you already know that and it doesn't seem to make a difference. So I'll ask you this: what would Heero say if he could see you now?"

Relena inhaled sharply, "Low blow, Trowa. I could easily see Wufei saying that.,” her lips tightened painfully, “if I could see, that is. But I didn't think you could be so cruel."

Trowa closed his eyes and swallowed painfully. He truly didn't want to hurt her, there had been enough pain already. "Not cruel." He turned back to study her reaction to his words. "Just realistic. Heero's last thoughts and actions were of you. When you take the time to realize what you're doing to his last gift to you, you will only hate yourself more than you already do."

Tears silently slid down her face. "That would be some feat. You know I adored Heero from the moment I saw him, and it grew steadily from there. I prayed to the creator nightly to keep Heero safe, and for him to return my feelings. And he survived, Trowa, in spite of everything, he survived the wars and by some miracle I finally got him to let me in. But God answers sharp and sudden on some prayers, And thrusts the thing we have prayed for in our face, A gauntlet with a gift in it." She quoted. "How ironic I got what I yearned for only to destroy it later."

He tilted his head slightly, trying to understand. "Would you change it? Heero felt you were his light. Would you have left him alone in his darkness then?" She looked down and a sheaf of thick blonde hair slid forward like a curtain, frustrating his attempts to see into her eyes. "I would have him alive."

There was nothing he could say to that. Heero was dead and the dead don't return, not in real life. She didn't need him to re-emphasize the obvious, she more than anyone else, lived with that painful reality.

"I brought you some dinner."

She lifted her head and turned toward his voice. "Thank you, maybe later."

His lips titled slightly. How did he know she would say that? "All right then, they'll just be up later if I don't tell them I saw you eat something."

She must have heard the amusement in his voice because she sighed loudly weighing the lesser of two evils. "Very well." Pushing herself up she stretched out her hand, moving forward she encountered warm flesh. "O, I'm sorry."

He shrugged, knowing she felt the movement. "It's all right, three steps to your left. Once you’re inside, it's sitting on the desk."

She made her way to the desk and, after fumbling a few moments, seated herself. "You don't have to stay. I give you my word, I will eat."

"I don't mind," he said. She tensed a moment as he continued, "Do you want me to go?" then relaxed once she realized he wasn't offering to feed her.

When she didn't say anything, he prompted her. "Is it that difficult a question?"

"No,” she sighed, “not really, but you don't have to pity me, Trowa. In all the years, I think I can count on both hands the number of times we've talked to one another. You've done your duty to Heero, you can go if you wish."

He sat on the corner of her desk crossing his arms. He looked down, gathering his thoughts. "It's hard not to feel sorrow for you, for us, we lost a friend, another is in pain. If we didn't feel something, what kind of human beings would we be? What I'm feeling isn't pity or obligation. As for talking, too many people talk endlessly without saying anything. If I have something to say I do so, if not…" He shrugged carelessly, "I don't. I find no discomfort in silence."

She put her eating utensils aside and rested her clenched hands beside the tray, looking down to hide her thoughts. She probed, "Then why? That night at the hospital, after the funeral, now I just don't understand. Why bother?"

He slid off the desk. At the sound, her head snapped up in his direction. He came around and knelt beside her chair. Taking his hand, he gently turned her head so he could study her face closely. "I think that discussion is better left for another day." Brushing her hair back behind her shoulders he looked at her tray. "No more talk, eat. You can worry about what I'm up to later." Standing, he moved away to give her the chance to eat. Leaning against the balcony door, he watched the emotions chase across her face with something akin to relief. Maybe, just maybe, they were moving back from the precipice they were all teetering on.






Author note: Many portray Trowa as a silent sphinx and to some extent he is but he also has quite a bit to say when he chooses to and he's very eloquent about expressing himself when he does. That is the Trowa I've chosen for this story. So if you view this as OOC my apologies this is how I see Trowa and for this story this is how he will be. I hope those of you reading will still enjoy this anyway. And for those that caught my errors thank you my Beta reader is on vacation so I'm writing at night and by the time I finish I'm pooped.


"God answers sharp and sudden on some prayers, And thrusts the thing we have prayed for in our face, A gauntlet with a gift in it." Aurora Leigh. Book i