My Soul to Keep
By Amber


Chapter 9

Relena inhaled deeply, pulling the sweet smell of fresh air into her lungs that one just couldn't find in the busy confines of the city. Tilting her head back almost in worship, she blinked, her eyes tearing a bit while she absorbed how the sun’s warmth felt on her skin. She shivered. It felt wonderful as it bathed her in its healing warmth. She closed her eyes and smiled ruefully. The first week she was here, she felt like she was about to jump out of her skin, for several nights after she first arrived the nightmares seemed to intensify.

But always, there was someone there in the dark, waiting for her to reach out and accept their friendship, or role of confidant or just be whatever it was she needed. And night after night, he held her until she fell back to asleep, always gone when she awoke the next morning. Relena prided herself on being an intelligent woman, but this eluded her. She didn't want to need him. She thought he understood that.

At first, she thought it was a misguided sense of loyalty to Heero that kept him so persistent. As time went on, however, that assumption gradually changed. She frowned slightly. She didn't know what he wanted from her, the man was an enigma. After the last year, the only thing she could say with any certainty was she just didn't know anything anymore. When Trowa and Quatre showed up last week, she had felt restless, unsure, anxious in a way not easily explained. It was something that she had never felt, not even during her turbulent teens, and she left Relena Darlian behind to take up the burden of being a Peacecraft. She had always known her mind and made her choices, good or bad, with a confidence and sense of peace that came from knowing at least who she was inside, where it counted the most. Now, her whole perception of that was lost. Change was happening too fast for her. After the first couple of nights, she locked her door, yet he still managed to get in. What worried her the most was him getting past those walls she had built around her heart with the same ease he breeched the lock on her room.

She sighed reaching down for her solace. Once upon a time, she used to be quite skilled at sketching. She admittedly couldn't tell if she was any more or not, but the familiar rhythm of becoming absorbed in what her inner eye saw comforted her, and soon the question about whether she was good or not became irrelevant, along with what Trowa was up to. It fed a need in her she had long forgotten, before her life changed. And now, she had no more reasons for not picking it up again. Now, she had nothing but time. Relena smiled slightly. Counting out the pages, she turned until she had the right one, then began what had become a ritual, putting into images what she now kept hidden: hopes shattered, dreams destroyed, finally her fears and that inexplicable something that Trowa stirred. Soon she was lost within that compulsion, and understanding what motivated Trowa became a distant memory. Now there was nothing but the intense desire to accurately capture the image in her mind’s eye.

The nearly silent pad of feet drew her from her respite and, slowly stretching cramped fingers, she started preparations for quitting for the day.

"Ms. Relena, you've been out here for quite some time today, you don't want to burn."

A rueful smile crossed her face as she turned her head to acknowledge his presence. "I know, I know Rashid, but after years of meetings in stuffy office buildings, the sun and fresh air are so wonderful. Stil,l you’re right. I suppose it's almost time for dinner. I'm on my way." Standing, she stretched, once more feeling a sense of satisfaction long forgotten, before silently making her way inside.


The servant bowed and Relena quietly thanked him for assisting her to the table. "I hope I haven't kept anyone waiting on me. I lost track of time and Rashid,” she smiled wryly, “had to come and remind me once again."

"Relena, how was your day?"

Her smile grew silently. She sat, placing the napkin across her lap before she answered. "Uneventful," she said with satisfaction lacing her tone. "But I trust you and Catherine had plenty to keep you busy." Catherine laughed.

She turned her head toward Catherine's laughter, pleased that there was happiness out there for those she cared about after all.

"We managed," Quatre replied. She smiled when she heard his slight hesitation, embarrassment overlaid with amusement.

Relena reached out with her senses, trying to pin point just where Trowa was at the table. Typically he had been sitting to her left, but odd as it seemed, she didn't feel him. And she was damned if she was going to ask. That meant admitting to herself even the tiniest bit more interest than was prudent.

She heard Quatre tell them to begin serving and that's when she began to suspect that Trowa wasn't at the table. She nervously nibbled on her lip. Did that mean that he was not eating, or was he gone on a mission? She didn't have to wait long in her musings before Quatre told her what she wouldn't allow herself to ask. "Trowa had Preventer business to take care of, but hopefully he should be able to rejoin us soon." Relena mentally shrugged. That wasn't any of her business. She mentally nodded. The choices Trowa made in his life had nothing to do with her. Feeling the silence grow, she felt like they were waiting for something from her. She wasn't ready to go near. She opted for diplomacy.

"I'm sorry it interrupted your quality time together, Catherine. I hope he'll return before your vacation is over," she murmured politely. But as dinner progressed, the lingering concern preyed on her mind and she grew progressively quieter. Her mental warnings grew fainter as worry took their place. Catherine and Quatre exchanged meaningful glances when, at the end of dinner, she excused herself, pleading tiredness.

Catherine sighed, "I don't know, Quatre. I just can't tell, but then I admit I don't know her as well as the rest of you do. It doesn't seem to me like she's any closer to moving through the grief. Is she sleeping at all? It doesn't look like she's slept well since this all happened."

He reached out, clasping her hand. His thumb stroked soothingly across the top of her knuckles.

"I'm worried they both could get hurt from this. Relena wouldn't mean to, she's a kind person. But…" she trailed off, unsure just what it was about all this that worried her the most.

She knew Trowa respected Relena a great deal. She suspected there was a certain amount of fascination on his part, as well from watching him watch Relena over the years. But out of affection for both Heero and Relena, he never by word or deed did let on to either one, at least to her knowledge, about how he felt. Heero's death and Relena's continued depression changed all that and was what was apparently dictating his current actions.

She sighed, troubled. There had been enough pain for everyone. Looking up, Quatre met her gaze sympathetically. "Catherine, I think it will be all right. Nothing is for certain, but in spite of how it seems, Relena is slowly coming to terms with what happened. Trowa, well, he knows better than anyone just what he's chosen to take on. Heero's shadow looms large and long, but he feels the possible gain is worth it."

Catherine shook her head, "You don't understand, will Relena? It's been almost a year and she's still holding everyone at a distance. She's lost everyone she ever cared about, her identity, her childhood, and finally the man she was going to marry. And not to the wars or a mission, it's obvious from the way she acts, she blames herself for his death. Whether she's willing to admit it or not, someone as perceptive as she is has to sense it. Even if it's on the subconscious level, Trowa's involvement in this is a lot more than that of a casual friend."

Catherine stared pensively at the flickering flames in the table's centerpiece as they danced and swayed. "If it were I, it would seem like my worst fears all over again. Opening myself up to the hurt of falling in love would be hard enough. But Trowa isn't just any man. There are enough similarities about Heero and Trowa that would have me running the other way." She shook her head, looking at him with tears filling her eyes. "We may…he may be expecting too much."

Quatre silently tugged on her hand, pulling her into his lap. He gently stroked her hair and thought about what she said. "He has to try, Catherine, he wouldn't be satisfied with less."

Her hands tightened in his shirt. "I know."



The mist rolled across the ground, and Relena noticed with a sense of detachment how it danced and swirled around her gown as she moved forward. For a split second, she wondered where she was going. Then the thought was lost as her sense of urgency grew. Stopping, she slowly turned. Then it struck her. She could see. When she turned back, standing before her was Heero, his hand held out, reaching for her. His lips moved, but she couldn't hear him. Growing more frantic, she tried to run to him, but no matter how hard or how desperately she tried to reach him, he remained just beyond reach. She stopped trying to catch her breath. Heero. She pleaded, holding out her hands, she watched wide-eyed as he slowly faded before her eyes.

Snapping up in the bed, she listened to her ragged breathing for a second. She could just make out shapes in the darkened room before blackness descended once more, and she laughed humorlessly at the tricks her mind was playing on her tonight. Apparently, her demons wouldn't be satisfied until she was crazy as well as alone. Her forehead collapsed in the palm of her hand. Shakily pushing her hair back, she shifted, drawing her knees up. She wrapped her arms around them and rocked while silent tears slid down her face. When does it stop hurting? Relena lifted her head and turned it toward the soft breeze coming in through the balcony doors. Heero…

Another week slid by and the dreams continued, each night a variation of the same…her trying to reach him and he drawing farther away. She gave up trying to go back to sleep and instead sat on the balcony sketching. She continued to join Quatre and Catherine for dinner and, true to his word, he allowed her to set the boundaries, picking and choosing when she wanted company. She had talked to Milliardo and Lucrezia several times and, while he wasn't thrilled by her continued absence, she sensed something new in him while she talked to him. For the first time, she wished she could see his face, she wished the impersonal distance of the vidphone to the blazes. She wished no better not to tempt fate...

Relena sat back in the shadows of a high back chair, close enough to participate should she choose, yet separate. She could let the talk of the wedding go on without her aborted one robbing them of the pleasure of theirs. The talk went on in quiet murmurs with Relena adding a word or two here and there but over all she was content to just listen, to take things as they come. Her time here was almost over, well, the time she had agreed to stay. Quatre had tried several times to broach the subject of her staying longer but…

The door opened and closed quietly. She cocked her head, trying to figure out who it was when the excited cry of Catherine and Quatre's pleased welcome told her everything she needed to know. It had been two weeks, two weeks of worrying about whether another she cared for was dead or alive. She closed her eyes briefly. O God, when had he slipped past her walls? Quickly composing herself, she tried to concentrate on the positive. Trowa had safely returned, and if she felt a sliver of relief, she determinedly ignored the implications. She sensed movement a second before she felt a finger glide across the top of her hand. Trowa took her hand within his and softly squeezed. "Relena."

"Welcome back, Trowa," she said huskily.

"How are you?"

Her lips quirked, "Everyone takes excellent care of me."

At her omission, Trowa glanced sharply at the others. Quatre shook his head quietly. Catherine laughed softly, "Well, she stayed awake during our endless wedding details, so she's stronger than a lot of people I know."

Relena swung her head toward Catherine and frowned. Slowly, though, it relaxed and a sad smile graced her face. Pushing herself up, she forced herself to hold it in place. "I'm going to call it a night. Forgive me for rushing off, Trowa, but you need some time with your sister anyway..." She hesitated, "and I'm tired."

"Goodnight. Relena, wait, I'll call…" She shook her head before he could finish. "It's all right Quatre I'll be fine."

Trowa watched her slowly leave the room before turning an inquiring look at them both. Catherine shrugged. Quatre stepped in to fill the silence. "She's been quieter, but she hasn't been avoiding us."

Trowa looked skeptical and Catherine sighed frustrated. "What did you expect? You were gone two weeks. Did you really think you were going to return to find the girl from the birthday party so long ago? Your obsession aside that girl is no longer around."

"Catherine." She swung her head to look at Quatre.

"What? Someone has to say it.” She glanced back at Trowa and watched his eyes become distant and aloof. "Did you think it wasn't noticeable? I've watched it grow into what it is now, and everyday I prayed some girl would come along and end this fascination you have for Relena Peacecraft." Lifting her hand toward him in appeal she whispered. "Trowa. She was heart and soul in love with Heero. It's been almost a year and she still isn't over him."

"Catherine, I know what I'm doing."

"Do you?" She asked softly. "Because it's not only her that could wind up hurt, but yourself as well."

"I know that."

Trowa left shortly after Relena. Too restless to sleep, Catherine's words bothered him more than he cared to admit. He moved through the shadows of the courtyard, past the soothing music of the fountains until he stood there looking up into her darkened room. His sister was right. There was no guarantee Relena would ever move past Heero's death, and even less chance she would want someone like him. Trowa turned looking out over the pool. He watched, mesmerized the patterns the wind and underwater lights made on the water before shoving his hands into his pockets and making his way to his room.

Relena rolled once more, punching her pillow. She tried to will herself to sleep tonight, but her mind wasn't cooperating. Sighing, she sat up and turned on the light, flipping the covers back. Relena left the coolness of the sheets to retrieve her sketchpad, hoping once she did, she'd find peace by putting everything on paper. Relena opened the balcony doors. Closing her eyes, she savored the breeze. She let it tease her skin and hair before backing up and curling into the chair. Laying her head against the high back, she sighed. There was something about Trowa's eyes. He was always watching her. They were so expressive in some ways yet, even still, their message eluded her…except once. And, without noticing, her pencil moved across the page as if it had a mind of its own, joining her mind in happier times.




She crested the hill and laughed, reigning in her mount. In the distance, she could only see the spires of the two towers where this weekend’s birthday celebration was to take place. Before her, the view of the manor was blocked by the forest. Sierra shook her mane and pranced restlessly. "Easy girl, soon. I just want to look a little."

Relena smiled ruefully. She wondered if they knew she was gone yet. Doubtful, the only one that seemed to anticipate and confound her small acts of rebellion was Heero, and he was currently on a mission with no indications of when he was going be back. But, if it were possible for him to attend, then she would see him at the party tomorrow. Sierra tugged at the bit, reminding her of where she was. "Ok, girl, I get the message."

Giving her a slight nudge with her heels was all it took to send her into cantor. Relena shook her hair back, allowing the wind to tug her hair free from its braid into a silken banner. She reveled in the feeling of power she felt in the bunch and shift of muscles as they arrived at the bottom of the hill. Sierra's stride lengthened into a ground eating gallop, and Relena laughed, exhilarated, as woman and horse moved across the valley floor in perfect synchronicity.

She felt the change a second before Sierra's ear's pricked forward and she checked her stride. Tightening up on the reins, she gradually slowed and then stopped as she watched horse and rider come from the woods and head toward her. Sierra pranced nervously, causing her to sigh as she recognized the rider. It figured, she watched, admiring the ease with which he controlled his restless mount, of those here it could only have been Milliardo or Trowa. He drew closer and then stopped, watching her horse fidget at the proximity of his. His eyes slid over her appraisingly before meeting her gaze.

"You shouldn't be out here alone, Miss Relena."

"Trowa,” she sighed, “how long have we known each other?"

His eyebrow quirked. She shook her head. "Never mind, call me Relena or Lena, like Duo does. I don't care which."

His mouth lifted slightly before returning to the subject at hand. "You've been gone quite some time." A slight frown grew and before he noticed her staring, she looked down so he wouldn't feel self-conscious. He had such beautiful eyes, but always so sad. Relena stroked Sierra's sweaty neck soothingly.

"Have I? It seems only moments."

"You know you have."

She jerked her head up searching his face intently. "How would you know?"

He tilted his head curiously at the intensity in her voice. "Don't worry. So far, I was the only one who saw you leave."

"Sometimes I need to…" she shrugged. Words, always her strength, failed her. Staring at him thoughtfully, she got the impression that maybe she didn't need the words after all, that somehow he understood. Sierra shifted impatiently, so she nudged her forward once more. He turned his horse and moved in beside her. She gave him a sidelong glance as they slowly ambled along. "I was just going back. You don't have to come. Continue your ride." When he didn't answer she looked at him fully. "Trowa?"

"This is fine."

Relena looked at him mischievously. "So you’re to be an escort, then?"

He shrugged, "One should never ride alone."

She nodded, "Fine, let’s go."

Urging Sierra faster, she took off. Turning in the saddle, she waved. "Come on, Trowa." Leaning low, she gave Sierra her head. She didn't bother to glance back when she heard the thunder of hooves. Delighted, she laughed and urged Sierra even faster. She knew it was useless, his horse was bigger and fresher, but Sierra's spirit and competitiveness would more than make it an interesting race. She saw him draw even and turned to laugh at his serious expression. At the sound of her laughter, he glanced at Relena. That's when she swerved to the left, taking a short cut. She heard him call her name as the stone fence circling the manor grounds approached. She felt Sierra gather herself. Relena tucked herself tight and low and sailed over the wall and started heading into the forest.

The bridle path made passing all but impossible, but the hair on the back of her neck told her he wasn't far behind. There was only one place left wide enough to pass, and it had been narrowed due to a downed tree across the path. She heard him draw nearer and leaned low. "Come on girl, we can do it." They were nearing the tree, she could see it, and knew Trowa had probably come to the same conclusion. The pounding of hooves became louder as he pulled beside her and sailed over the tree, laughing appreciatively she watched him pull ahead.

The woods gradually thinned and the manicured lawns of the manor could be seen as they raced across them to the stables. Sierra's breathing was labored when they approached the stables, so she slowed her to a walk as they entered the yard. Catching site of Trowa, she smiled and stopped. When she came into view, he motioned for the servant to take the horse. Coming forward he lifted his hands to help her down. He had such a strange look of his face as he looked up into her flushed laughing one.

"Congratulations, Trowa. I suppose I should have known better than to try and take on a Gundam pilot, even on horseback."

He lifted her down. Was it her imagination, or did he hold her just a second longer than necessary before setting her on her feet? Once on her feet, she smiled up at him. "Thank you, I enjoyed that."

He nodded. "So did I."

She turned to her horse. Patting her sweaty neck, she crooned, "What a good girl, we'll get them next time." She went to reach for the reins, but he was already taking them

"I'll see to her."

"O but…" Relena frowned, slightly disappointed for some reason.

"You need to get back or my efforts for discretion will be wasted."

She glanced toward the house and sighed. "I suppose you’re right. I worry Milliardo enough as it is." She turned back and smiled. "Can we do this again some time?"

He studied her intently before nodding. "Perhaps."

Relena placed her hand on his chest for balance and kissed his cheek. "Thank you." Stepping back, she smiled, blushing slightly at his wide eye look before taking off in a run for the house. Slowing, she turned back to wave. That's when she saw a slow, sweet smile relieve the solemn demeanor of his face. Slowing returning to the present, she remembered thinking at the time she was glad she had followed her impulse. She wouldn't have missed that smile for anything in the world.

Stretching her cramped hand, she closed her pad thoughtfully, then smiled. Trowa had a beautiful smile. There was a sweetness in him that he hid from the world. Relena stood, setting her sketchpad into the chair. She tiredly rubbed the side of her temple, making her way to the bed. She just wanted freedom from her thoughts. If anything, she was more confused now than before and too weary to make sense of them, they were going in circles anyway. She settled deeper into the covers and closed her eyes. Maybe tomorrow the answers would come. O God, please let the answers come.