Visiting Ghosts
By Lady Saffir

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters associated with Gundam Wing.

AN - My angst muse is the cause of this. I was innocently sitting on my futon, watching 'Grim & Evil' (cute show, by the way) and Angst spiked my Pepsi. At least it wasn't poisonous, I suppose. It did leave me bawling when I wrote the end of this though.

PS - This isn't meant to make Relena sound like a horrible person in any way. We each have to adapt to what life throws at us, and we should always try to find happiness in the future, even if our past wasn't.

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She missed him. In the twenty years since his death, she had come to learn how to block the pain most of the time. She learned to not miss the hugs, the unexpectedly sweet gestures, the way he would comfort her after a rough day in the office, the way he would make love to her...

Although she did have some help, she had to admit.

With a shake of her head she banished that train of thought. Sitting down, she reached gentle fingers out to caress his name chiseled into the marble.

"Ah, Heero," she whispered. "I don't know whether I should laugh at the cosmic joke my life has been through the years, or weep. And I suppose it isn't a good sign that there are times when all I feel is a dull ache in my heart."

"The paparazzi are calling me 'The Black Widow' now - actually, they have been ever since Quatre died. I've even been called a whore, although many tell me that there is nothing wrong in following one's heart. I suppose it's a good thing I resigned when Trowa and I found out I was pregnant again."

"Speaking of children," she mused, "our daughter is getting married next year. Hard to believe she's the same age we were. Asako finally decided to accept Jonathon's proposal; although I think it was the fact he did it in the middle of the Preventer's mess hall - too many witnesses, you know."

"Michael is still as hard headed and stubborn, and I think it's only getting worse. He's living with his Aunt Cathy, since she's the only one that can get him to cooperate for any amount of time. Duo says it has to be your genes showing themselves," she smiled, enjoying the wind that suddenly picked up to toss her hair about.

"Yeah, I figured that would go over real well with you. He finally settled on attending one of the engineering schools on L4, and so far isn't having any trouble; as if any child of yours would have problems in that area," she reminisced, a smile playing over her lips.

"It's always easiest to talk to you first. If I can make it through everything without breaking down this first time, then I can do it twice more. You've been gone for twenty years, and you still give me strength and courage."

She sighed.

"Maria's sixteenth birthday was last week; I wish Trowa would have been able to see how beautiful his daughter grew up to be. She has his eyes, as I've told you, but getting her to be quiet or sit still for more than ten minutes is still a chore. I'd ship her off to Cathy as well, but I don't think she could handle it," she chuckled, plucking up a flower to twirl in her fingers.

"Alexander may not be Trowa's biological son, but he mimics his father so easily you'd never know if it wasn't for his black hair and gray eyes. I know I shouldn't have favorites among my children, but Alex holds an extra special place in my heart. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because he understands that sometimes, no matter how bittersweet the memory, it's all I have left of you, and Trowa, and even Quatre, although we never married. I think you'd like him," she murmured, smiling.

Stretching out on the grass alongside the grave, she continued her soliloquy.

"I still can't believe how sweet Quatre remained, even when we grew up. He was so calming and helpful; I don't think I could have survived Trowa's death without him. I feel bad though; I mean, he was killed taking me and the kids shopping - in his own store even. I still can't the image out of my mind; what possessed the store people to stack so many heavy items that high on a shelf? Thank god it was quick; I don't think I could have stood having to watch him waste away like Trowa did."

"Which reminds me; Maria's tests came back negative for the cancer gene she might have inherited from Trowa, and that's the only small blessing I can see that came out of the horrible situation."

Her voice fell to a whisper when she next continued.

"And now we get to Duo. I didn't think I could stand the thought of falling in love one more time, I was so afraid of what would happen. But one day a few months after Lady Une had moved in with me - she absolutely adores the children, just so you know - I received a call from him, saying Hilde had been killed in a car wreck."

"Sixteen years of marriage and three kids, and suddenly he found himself alone. I think that's why we started talking so often; we had to find a way to block the loneliness from engulfing us."

"And then three years later he shows up on my doorstep and asks me to marry him. You always said he was more stubborn than you and Wufei combined, and I found that out in the following week. He'd left the kids with one of Hilde's relatives, and charmed my brood so much they were harassing me to marry him. I was cornered, but I think I would have held out if it weren't for the fact that he took me on a picnic."

"We had the worst time imaginable. There were ants, poison ivy, and a thunderstorm all within a two-hour period. And when we were running through the rain and he stopped and looked at me, that's when I decided. I was so tired of being afraid of life, Heero, so tired of being afraid to love again, that I had to say yes, never mind the fact that I felt like a movie cliche, standing in the rain while he professed his love to me."

She was quiet for a moment, enjoying the feel of the sun-warmed grass beneath her body, the sound of birds and insects humming busily to themselves.

"We found out yesterday that the chances of the twins being a boy and a girl is high. We decided last night to name the girl Faith. Duo's been saying that if one did turn out to be a boy, he wanted to name him Heero, after you, but the clincher came when my doctor re-adjusted the due date to be the day before your birthday. Something's telling me though that these kids are gonna be late," she smiled.

"I know forty-five is a bit old to be having children, but I know that everything is going to turn out alright."

"I'm happy, Heero," she admitted, sitting up slowly. "I love Duo with all my heart, just like I loved Trowa and you. But you've always had a little extra piece of my heart, and even though I love the way each of them held me, it can't compare to the feelings I had when I was in your arms. You may not have been my last love, but you'll always be my first love, and the father of my children, and even though I don't ache with missing you each day, you're always there with me, and I thank whatever god there is for that," she whispered, wiping a few stray tears away before standing up.

The wind whipped around her, the warm spring air forming a sound that one could have fancied to have spoken.

"Relena...."

She smiled into the air and turned to address the headstone once more.

"I'll bring the children by to see you once they're born."

She kissed her fingers and laid them against his name.

"I must go now; I have other ghosts to visit," she said, and turned to go into another section of the graveyard.

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