A Matter Of Gender

by Ashy

Disclaimer: This is the bit where the author says they don’t own Gundam Wing or any of the characters. I don’t, never will, wish I did.... you know the deal. My sister told me the joke that features but said it was apparently copyrighted material. Well I don’t know where from but seeing as it fits this story, I have used it but do NOT claim to have made it up!

******

“Guess what?” Duo Maxwell said to the other four Preventer Gundam pilots who were slouched on the couch in their shared apartment.

“ What?” Quatre asked enthusiastically.

“ What?” repeated Heero in annoyance.

The other two, Trowa and Wufei didn’t even offer a response.

“ It’s this joke Hilde told me,” Duo grinned. “ There was a couple who lived in a perfect house, they had perfect kids and a perfect car....and one day it was Christmas Eve so the perfect couple wanted to go shopping for their perfect kids. On the way home in their perfect car, they met Santa, who’s reindeer were lame....”

Heero yawned. Quatre was on the edge of his seat. Wufei snorted and Trowa looked thoughtful. Duo continued what he thought to be a funny joke.

“...so the perfect couple offered to give Santa a ride in their perfect car to deliver the presents. Anyway, while they were on the road, the perfect car crashed head-on into a not-so-perfect truck. Who survived - the perfect man, the perfect woman or Santa?”

Heero didn’t appear to care. He stuffed a few nachos into his mouth and grunted. Quatre looked stunned at something so tragic as Santa in a car crash. Trowa was still thinking...

“ All right then, Duo, what’s the answer?” Wufei spoke up confrontationally.

Duo smirked. “ The perfect woman.”

“ Why?” Wufei demanded.

The braided pilot snickered, relishing the look on the face of the Chinese guy; “Because everybody knows Santa doesn’t exist and there isn’t such a thing as a perfect man! Hahahahaah!”

Wufei looked utterly repulsed by the fact the joke insulted the male species! He knew Duo had told it for his benefit. “ That *isn’t* even remotely entertaining, Maxwell,” Wufei sneered. “ And it concerns me that you shouldn’t want to defend the honour of your own gender!”

“ Hey, Wu, it was only a joke!” Duo chortled.

Wufei stood up from his seat on the couch and stamped his foot, incidentally in the bowl of popcorn. He glowered at the braided baka before him. Duo was enjoying this very much. He beamed back.

“ You are a weakling, Maxwell,” Wufei hissed.

Duo circled around Wufei and started tugging at the back of his pants. The Chinese pilot flinched. “ What are you DOING?” he demanded.

“ Oh, nothing, I’m just looking for the rod up your ass, I think it’s stuck!” Duo responded innocently.

Wufei crimsoned and clenched his fists. The other pilots, save Heero, were watching the scene closely. “ Um...how about we put the movie on now?” Quatre suggested, trying to change the subject before Duo found himself with a broken nose.

“ Who’s turn was it to choose a video?” Duo replied, forgetting about his quarrel with Wufei for a moment.

“ It was mine,” Trowa spoke up. “ I think we’ve seen almost everything we could possibly rent out so I asked if Cathy had anything. She gave me this. It looks okay.”

Wufei studied the video box and his face contorted with disgust. “ CHARLIE'S ANGELS?!”

“ Ooh, looks fabulous!” Quatre squeaked.

“ It’ll do, I suppose,” said Trowa.

“ I don’t want to watch three baka onnas parading around on a screen all evening in leather!” Wufei screeched. “ Back me up here, Yuy.”

Heero didn’t answer. He just let out another grunt that could be interpreted any way one wanted to.

“ So then Wufei, for someone who only ever watches Bruce Lee and the like, you seem to know at least a bit about Charlie's Angels,” Quatre piped up, as Wufei simmered.

“ Of course he does!” Duo bellowed. “ He went to see it at the movies with Sally Po! Hahahahaaha.”

Wufei growled. “ I did not *want* to go the the movies with that weak onna but seeing as Noin couldn’t go with her, I didn’t see any justice in wasting a perfectly good ticket.”

“ You don’t have to justify yourself to us, Wufei,” Quatre answered, trying to keep a peaceful atmosphere.

“ Did you get the back row?” Duo hollered. “ Did you kiss her?”

“ No, Maxwell I did NOT,” Wufei snapped. “ I wouldn’t go near that woman with a ten foot pole!”

“ Oh, so you ordered seats ten feet away from each other, then?” Duo shot back.

Heero rolled his eyes. Trowa switched on the video, hoping the blaring of the TV would drown out Duo and Wufei’s argument.

“ I_do_not_have_feelings_for_Sally_Po_GOT_THAT?!!” Wufei exploded. “ We work together, nothing more, or can’t you get your puny, peanut of a brain around that idea?”

Duo wasn’t listening. He was jumping around the room chorusing: " Wufei loves Sally! Hehehe! Wufei has a crush on - "

“ SHUT UP MAXWELL or you’ll regret it!” Wufei screamed, flying at Duo and overturning the couch. Quatre became trapped underneath and Trowa and Heero made a move to free him.

Wufei ran to the door, and just before he stomped upstairs he turned to face the others; " I’ll have you know now that I will NEVER and let me repeat NEVER like Sally Po, so any rumours can end right there. She is weak, annoying pushy and conniving, pretending to want my best interests but ultimately I’m just her - "

“ Toy-boy,” Duo finished.

Wufei turned and slammed the door.

**********

Wufei decided he wasn’t going to bother sitting with the other pilots while they watched some mindless movie. Even Heero hadn’t seemed to mind. ‘ Yuy’s turning soft,’ Wufei decided, as he crawled into bed.

There was nothing left to do but sleep, he thought. Wufei had already tried to meditate but somehow could not set aside the anger of being humiliated in front of his comrades. He couldn’t concentrate even of meditation. And why was this bothering him so much anyway...? Pah, him in love with Sally Po, a pathetic weak woman? Never.

“ Weak...weak...all of them....” he sighed into the pillow before his eyelids drooped.

“ Wufei?”

He sat bolt upright in bed. Who was that?

“ Maxwell, if you’re pretending to be the ghost of Christmas past again, I’ll make sure you enter the spirit world for sure!” the Chinese man snarled into the darkness.

But something unnerved him to the point where he almost wished he could hear Duo’s goofy laughter, tell him he was a baka and be left in peace for the rest of the night.

“ Maxwell?”

Nothing. It couldn’t be Duo anyway. The voice was far too high and feminine. Quatre, maybe?

“ Winner? Is that you?” Wufei inquired, feeling his skin creep.

“ Chang Wufei, I have an issue to settle with you.”

There it was. The voice again. Not Quatre’s. Not anyone he knew. It sounded like....a...a..WOMAN!

And there he saw her. A woman in *his* bedroom. A tall kind of woman in a long flowing gown, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Lucrezia Noin, although the voice was softer and much different.

“ Get out of my room, Onna!” Wufei demanded. “ Who are you anyway?”

“ My name is Venus! The protector of all women,” the figure answered.

“ Oh yeah, well I bet they need protecting being the feeble excuses they are,” Wufei answered curtly, trying to look tough but his voice was wavering.

“ You’re scared of me, Wufei,” the woman said matter-of-factly.

“ I am not!” Wufei answered, clutching his bedclothes. “ I want to know what you want!”

“ I am obligated to punish you for the way you have conducted yourself around women and the way you constantly scorn their honour,” Venus answered.

“ Punishment...a woman....punish me...?” Wufei spat, though only quietly. He was trembling.

“ Yes. I’m not just *any* woman, am I? Though women are known for being much more merciful than men, I shall grant you the liberty to chose your curse.”

“ Curse....?”

“ Yes Wufei. A curse is to be bestowed upon you. Now chose wisely.”

Wufei scowled and narrowed his eyes. “ Onna!” he growled an insult.

“ Very well then, now remember, Wufei that during the time you are under this curse, EVERYTHING you see and hear will be significant to your life. Understand?”

“ But wait....I haven’t chosen.....yet...”

“ Goodbye, Chang Wufei.”

********

Birds twittered. Insects buzzed. The air smelt of freshly clipped grass. Wufei slowly opened his eyes and looked about blearily. He was in the park, the place where he usually practised his Tai Chi or read a book once in a while.

He was still a little shaky, thinking perhaps he had dreamed this curse business up. Yes, it was only a dream. Too much cheese. Too much Maxwell. That strange woman, whoever she was, had just been a figment of his imagination. He must have been meditating in the park or something. Though he didn’t remember how he got there...

' Well, no use staying in a place and not knowing why you’re here,' Wufei decided, hauling himself up against a tree. ‘ I’d better head back to the apartment.’

A thought struck him for a moment: why was he wearing a pink shirt? He certainly didn’t own a pink shirt. Never. But Quatre Winner did. Wufei decided he must have been in a rush that morning and flung on Quatre’s clothes instead of his own. After all, they did share a room ( not to the Chinese pilot’s pleasure, may I add).

Wufei became more convinced with every step that this curse was all nonsense, as he strode up to the door of the apartment. Everything felt perfectly normal. He looked down at himself - apart from his clothes - normal. He grabbed the door handle. Locked. Dammit.

As soon as he began to knock in his usually impudent manner, there was a sound of a key in the lock and he came face to face with Quatre, who was also clad in a pink shirt.

“ Hi...er..are you looking for someone?” he asked, an air of politeness in his voice.

“ I want to come inside and grab something to eat if you don’t mind!” Wufei replied a little haughtily, suddenly aware that his voice sounded the way it did before it had broken. Usually high...weird.

“ Um....,” Quatre turned his head for a minute and called into the kitchen. “ Heero, can you make an extra pancake please. Five won’t be enough.”

“ I only want one,” Wufei replied, thinking the extra one may perhaps be for Duo, renowned for his gluttonous eating habits.

“ Yes, but there are already five of us, though you’re welcome to join us,” Quatre replied, standing aside to let Wufei step into the kitchen.

At that moment, Duo came sauntering over, placing a hand on Wufei’s shoulder. “ Hey babe, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“ The same thing *you* are,” Wufei snapped, shrugging off the other pilot.

“ Ooh, tough-chick, I like it,” Duo said, flashing a mischievous grin.

Wufei growled. Duo only ever behaved this way around girls. Perhaps he was turning *that way*. Bad news for Hilde, the silly onna.

Wufei was aware of the odd looks the other three pilots were giving him. It made him feel slightly uneasy.

“ So what’s your name?” Quatre asked, breaking the awkward silence.

“ Wufei,” he answered in about as low voice as he could manage. What a dumb question. Quatre knew jolly well what his name was!

“ Oh, Faye? That’s a pretty name,” the blond pilot gushed.

Wufei wondered what was going on. Why didn’t his friends know him?

“ Isn’t Wufei here yet? Where did he go?” Heero asked in a monotone, flipping another pancake onto a plate.

“ Oh, he’s probably meditating or reading in the park,” Trowa answered. “ You know Wufei, he’ll be back when he’s ready.”

'I’m here now!' Wufei thought, pondering on what could be wrong with his friends. Was this all some kind of prank? Pretending he was someone else? Then he was struck with a realisation - the curse!

Wufei brushed Duo off his shoulder and and stalked in the direction of the bathroom. He thrust open the door and strode over the to the mirror. No sooner had he glimpsed his reflection in the glass, he immediately started convulsing, rolling around on the bathroom floor. Faye was a lot prettier than Wufei Chang. She was a she. He was a she! A cute Chinese girl! How could that be??

“ Faye, you sound distressed, are you okay?” a familiar voice called through the crack in the door. It was the blond pilot, again demonstrating his caring nature. The last thing Wufei needed in his current state was Quatre’s sickening concern.

Wufei glared at the ceiling, laying sprawled out across the bathroom. The curse. That woman. She had asked him what to choose his curse and he had said “Onna”. Now to his own eyes, he was every bit a man as he had been the day before, but when he had looked in the mirror, he had realised that to everyone else , he was a...girl!

The Chinese pilot was faced with two choices - he could either start kicking and screaming and admit to the others about the whole curse issue, risking his treasured dignity. They’d laugh, all of them. Besides, they’d never believe him in a million years. And then they’d start questioning his integrity, he couldn’t have that. The other option was just to sit it out, hope it would soon be over, and keep quiet about everything. That way, he could keep his pride. Only he would have to refrain from insulting any women for the time being.

*********

Wufei kept his head down as he walked sullenly into the kitchen and pretended not to know his way around. Duo seemed intent on helping him out and the Chinese boy was becoming rather harassed by his ‘comrade’.

“ Where are you staying, Faye?” Trowa wanted to know, sipping the tea Quatre handed to him.

“ We ALWAYS have tea, I hate it!” Duo commented, as he too was given a mug. It was Wufei's precious Nataku mug! It was chipped and stained inside but Wufei treasured that thing. He was almost about to spitefully snatch it from the braided boy but he managed to restrain himself.

“ Quiet,” Heero grumbled. “ Make yourself some coffee instead.”

“ Heero’s not a morning person,” Quatre said with a smile, as if to lighten the conversation.

‘ Heero’s not an any-time-of-day person,’ Wufei thought grimly to himself.

“ Where are you staying, Faye?” Trowa repeated calmly, as if the interruptions hadn’t occurred.

‘ What am I supposed to say?’ Wufei debated. “ Er..um....nowhere really. I just came here....I have no family....I’m looking for a job...”

“ Oh, you have no family?” Quatre gasped. “ We SO much in common! Neither do any of us! Isn’t that amazing?”

“ Amazing, sure”, Wufei let out a feminine grunt.

“ You can stay with us if you want, you’re incredibly welcome,” Quatre offered in his usual polite manner. “ Heero and Trowa share a room, Duo has a room on his own because he talks and snores, and I share with Wufei, though I’m sure he wouldn’t mind Duo sharing with us for while so you can have a room to yourself.”

‘ How DARE Winner think I would happily put up with Maxwell,’ Wufei huffed, but realising he was supposed to be someone else, nodded and forced a watery smile.

“ Ya know, Faye, it’s nice to know that not all Chinese people rant on about justice and integrity twentyfour-seven,” the braided guy piped up, while gobbling a pancake. Wufei felt his muscles tense, his fist curling in what could resemble a potential punch.

A knock at the door broke the atmosphere. Heero automatically opened it, to reveal Sally Po and Lucrezia Noin. Sally was the first of the two women to invite herself into the kitchen, giving Heero a playful ruffle of the hair as she passed him. He didn’t smile. Wufei felt his throat tighten and a slight twinge somewhere inside him...jealousy, perhaps? Nah.

“ Can I have a pancake?” she demanded, reaching over and taking one of the many on Duo’s pile.

“ Hey, hands off, Sally!” Duo exclaimed, but the blonde woman was already consuming the food with a mischievous grin.

Noin followed her companion’s example, only the plate she stole from was Quatre’s. He didn’t really seem to mind. “ Help yourself, Miss Noin,” he minced. “ I’ll make you some more if you’re hungry.”

“ No, we were just calling round for...well for breakfast really, but as it’s our day off work, we have to get to the mall before it becomes too crowded,” Lucrezia revealed. “We’re buying dresses for Lady Une’s birthday meal. It’s going to be a posh occasion and apparently we have no choice. Pants are not allowed.”

“ Yeah, just our luck,” Sally said with a frown, her mouth still full of pancake.

‘ Sally is such an uncultured, unfeminine excuse for a woman,’ Wufei thought, regarding her as she ate. Sally swallowed her mouthful and swigged it down with a gulp of coffee from Heero's mug. ‘ Did no-one ever teach her table manners?’

“ And who is this young lady?” Noin spoke up, gesturing in Wufei’s general direction.

“ Ah, this is Faye. She came in the area today and we said she could stay with us five pilots in this place,” Quatre explained.

“ Pleased to meet you,” Sally said, offering her hand. Wufei felt dreadfully uncomfortable being regarded as a female when he felt very much male. He shook the outstretched hand loosely, realising he’d never actually held Sally’s hand before. And why should such a fact be of importance to him anyway? He uneagerly shook Noin’s hand also.

“ Hey, how about you come shopping with us, Faye?” Sally suggested. “ If you’re new to the area, it might do to show you around a bit.”

Wufei had to admit, her reasons were justified. Plus, the idea of staying within these four walls, being cooed around by Winner and hit on by Maxwell seemed pretty unappealing. But...SHOPPING. That word meant many things, one being boredom. But at least it would get him out of the house where his dignity was being crushed minute by minute.

“ I’d like that,” he responded. “ Shopping sounds...good.” And so the Faye facade continued.

*********

Wufei fiddled with his seat belt in the backseat of the jeep. Noin was driving and Sally was in the passenger seat. Their meaningless, dishonourable conversation was driving him nuts.

“...and so I accidentally walked in to see GUESS WHO in the shower...?”

“ Zechs...”

“ How did you know?”

“ You told me that yesterday.”

“ But it happened last week.”

“ Yeah, you told me last week too.”

“ Oh.”

Wufei let out a deep breath. Did women always talk such piffle?

“ Lu, can I put some music on?” Sally asked, not even waiting for her friend’s answer.

Music? What kind of music would they listen to? Wufei wondered. With a simple click, ‘I’m Every Woman’ blared through the jeep, the volume high. Wufei groaned.

Sally and Noin sang tunelessly, jigging about in their seats to the beat. The vehicle swerved a little and someone honked their horn. Sally just waved.

“Onna’s can’t drive” Wufei growled to himself. This outing was going to be more challenging than he had expected.

***********

Wufei unwillingly followed the two women, who were heading across the mall. All morning had been spent in a cafe and now it was shopping time. At least with Sally and Noin, he thought, he wouldn’t have to undergo the boring displeasure of trudging through fancy boutiques that reeked of ‘woman’. Those two were the least likely to opt for feminine tastes.

He was unpleasantly surprised, as Noin grabbed Sally’s arm and practically dragged her into a store where there appeared to be a wide assortment of evening dresses.

“ C’mon Sal!” she begged. “ I’m not one for dressing up either, but it IS Lady Une’s birthday meal, you can’t turn up in pants and a sweat top!”

Sally muttered huffily and stared in disdain at the rows upon rows of slinky garments. “ You really expect me to wear one of THESE?” she moaned.

“ Yeah, I’m sure you’d look good in a dress if you just bothered to put one on!” Noin insisted. “ I’m not coming shopping with you just to eat in cafes all morning!”

“ But I hate dressing up! I hate it!” Sally protested, entertaining a few passers by who looked over their shoulders. “ When I was at school, I used to pin my hair back and dress as a guy at the proms just so I didn’t have to wear a stupid frock! Either that or I didn't bother going!”

Wufei chuckled to himself. “ Help me out here, Faye,” Noin said, turning to the third ‘woman’. “ What kind of style do you have?”

Wufei gulped. What did he know about womens’ fashions? He had almost forgotten during the dialogue of Sally and Noin, that in their eyes and everyone elses’ he was, in fact, a girl! It was only too obvious these silly women would want his opinion!

“ Um...,” Wufei stuttered. “ I...I just...er...yeah, dresses are...appropriate...”

“ See!” Lucrezia turned on her friend in triumph. “ Even Faye agrees with me. You’re not getting out of this Sally Po!”

Sally groaned as Noin lightheartedly strode into the shop, with her and ‘Wufei’ in tow. It occurred to Wufei that the only reason Noin was so eager to dress up to her eyeballs was the fact perhaps - just perhaps - Zechs Marquise might be attending Lady Une’s party...

*******

Wufei watched curiously at how the women conducted themselves in the store - they seemed extremely interested in size labels and how ‘high up the leg’ the skirts were. Noin already had a handful of garments, not to mention a pair of what she called ‘dazzling’ footwear. When she had mentioned she wanted open-toed shoes, Wufei had envisioned some sort of sandals worn by Buddhist monks. He was sure these glittering pieces of rubbish Noin brandished would look even worse on her!

The short-haired woman wasn’t stopping there. She was requesting Sally try on a long backless black dress with a slit all the way up the leg. Sally didn’t seem too keen - in fact she made no secret of the fact this wasn’t really her scene. Wufei sympathised, it wasn’t his either, though seeing as he was trapped in a woman form, he thought he ought to at least appear to be interested.

“ Aren’t you trying any clothes on, Faye?” Noin asked.

“ What do I need them for?” Wufei answered, a little sharply,”...I mean....no, I’m not really in the mood right now.”

Outside the fitting rooms, Noin ordered that Sally was to try on the backless dress and some high-heeled shoes she had picked out for her, while she debated over her own choices. Wufei wondered why Sally was giving in to her friend when he knew how strong-willed she really was, though it was probably just to get the whole ordeal over with quickly.

“ Come on, Faye!” Noin called brightly to who she thought was a Chinese girl. “ Another girl’s opinion is always a good thing to have...”

Wufei sighed quietly in annoyance and followed Sally and Noin into the empty fitting rooms. Once inside, Lucrezia marched into a large cubicle, pulling Sally in with her. She didn’t trust Sally to try on the dress if left to her own devices.

Wufei backed against the wall feeling rather like a fish out of water. He never thought he’d see the day when he, Chang Wufei, was found inside a womens’ fitting room. He tried to close his ears to the sound of zippers and such but he couldn’t help but feel a little inquisitive as to what would emerge from behind the curtain.

Noin’s muffled voice broke through his thoughts. Wufei growled a little. “ Faye, can you give us a hand in here? I’m stuck inside this dress and Sally needs someone to adjust the straps for her!”

“ Yeah, I could use some help, Faye!” Sally echoed. “ Since my dear friend here has managed to squeeze me into this I might as well put it on properly.”

Wufei felt himself stiffen. Did they really expect him to watch them as they changed? Of course they did, he realised, how would they know he wasn’t another female friend at all, but a helpless man under a curse?

Inside the cubicle, Noin was struggling into a tight-fitting dress. It finally popped over her head and she hopped into her high-heels. She sighed with satisfaction at her reflection in the mirror. Wufei had to admit, she didn’t look half bad to say the least.

He turned to Sally, who was trying in vain to reach the straps behind her shoulders. They seemed far too tight and were digging into her skin. “ Faye, can you just loosen these a little for me honey?” she asked.

Wufei gulped but knew it would look suspicious if he refused. He stepped over to Sally who was standing with her back to him, holding her hair out of the way. Wufei’s fingers trembled as he reached for the straps. Straps? Which ones did she mean? There were two pairs. Both black. He hadn’t a clue how to adjust these tiresome things anyway. He took hold of one of the pairs and yanked at it.

Sally giggled slightly. “ That tickles,” she chuckled. “ And Faye, that’s my *bra* you’ve got hold of! Any looser and it will fall off!”

Wufei felt the blood rush to his cheeks and they flushed crimson. The dishonour! He_had_ hold_ of_Sally_Po’s_BRA! ‘Oh my gosh!’ he cringed to himself, numbly taking hold of the correct pair of straps.

He had never seen her bare flesh before and this dress was skin-tight, showing her womanly assets he never even thought existed before. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the slit up her leg...his face was burning.

When Sally was satisfied with the tightness of the straps, she turned around and did an awkward little twirl for Noin. “ Wow!” Noin gasped. “ Dresses really suit you! I *knew* you’d look gorgeous! ”

Gorgeous. Yes, that was the word. Wufei stared and stared, blinking.

“ Faye?” Sally inquired, concerned at the girl’s expression. “ Are you okay? You look very flushed. Do you have a temperature. It’s not as if it’s hot.”

‘ No but *you* are’, Wufei thought helplessly.

“ Um...I’m fine...,” the girl referred to as Faye mumbled.

“ All right, let’s pay for these then!” Noin decided.

******